ez_mo

there simply must be a short circuit in my brain. a blown breaker. something.

i have a lot on my mind.
monkey goes into [minor] surgery tomorrow.
i'm having major tremors in my hands. not just the shakes, but really strong tremors in both hands, but mostly the right one. it doesn't jive with typical migraine experience. i am resisting the urge (at hubby's behest) to self-medicate. but be sure: this is not a good feeling.

an old friend gave me some new music to listen to, and it's now stuck in my brain: huge bursts of yellows and oranges, sparkles of red, and only tiny fragments of green and blue. underlying the yellow song is a song that i love: deep blue-greys with random black stripes. the two are competing for my attention.

and at the precise time that i needed the reminder, a post to which I can totally relate on several levels. especially since i've spent the last few days ruminating on the theme of love and letting go.

having experienced my own cosmic mind-fuck, i came to the realization that the only way to truly love someone is to let go. holding on to someone, in my experience, has been a selfish act; i desire to keep something because it feels good to have that someone. letting go is releasing that person -- and, incidentally, oneself -- unto the Grace of God. letting go is the act of saying, "i want the best that God has to offer you. so be it".

for a brief time in my life, i let go of everything at once. i reliquished control over everything to the Universe. and what the hell? i had nothing left to lose, nothing really mattered. i was a seed in the wind. i let go. i've never felt so powerful than i did during that time. i loved not because i wanted to have someone, but simply because the love was there. no expectations, no quid pro quo. just pure love: "the best for you. so be it".

i'm lucky. two i have loved. two i have let go. of them, i have been blessed to call husband. the other, i am blessed to call friend. go in peace.