ez_mo

A few days ago, kiddos and I went to the local thrift store whereupon Anton found himself a like-new Tractor with a haycart, and animals that make the appropriate animal sounds. The farmer (Old MacDonald) drives the truck and sings. Even better, when you press the horn, it beeps and the headlights blink. For under a buck and nearly new, I thought, "What the heck?" Evil, you say? Well, the boy is on a farmer kick (must. wear. overalls!) and it kept him sufficiently occupied while I was busy with an ugly day.

I woke up yesterday to a Category 4 migraine. (yes, I must insert hurricane terminology; it's the latest thing, you know.) Evil, ugly migraine that was only downgraded by copious amounts of pharmaceuticals. And I mean LOTS of little pills of various sizes and colors. Still, I was yarking constantly all morning. The house is a wreck: the kids were allowed to do anything they wanted so long as they didn't hurt each other, burn the house down, and were quiet.

By afternoon, I was feeling human enough to meet hubby for a lovely supper. (any thanks to Solieri!) I went home with the kids and we were all out by 9pm. Except that I was still very much migrainey and I was up every hour, on the hour, to yark some more. oh joy. I think I actually approached REM by 1am and somewhere in there, jason came home. NOW I can rest easy.

At 3 am, I am awakened by

HEY! I'M OLD MCDONALD! WANNA HAVE SOME FUN? E-I-E-I-O!

Oh gosh! It's by the foot of the bed! Quick, put it in the hallway so the kids don't hear it!

2 minutes after I have discreetly curled back into bed without waking the sleeping darlings...

HEY! I'M OLD MCDONALD! WANNA HAVE SOME FUN? E-I-E-I-O! BEEP! BEEP!

Jump out of bed with my Axim (yes, it sleeps with me and makes for a lovely flashlight in a pinch). Look for the on/off switch. AAAGH! There IS NO power switch on the blasted thing! Quickly, I dump our basket of dirty laundry on it, including a sodden towel (ew!). Maybe that will work. Stealth back into bed. Close eyes.

{{muffled}} HEY! I'M OLD MCDONALD! WANNA HAVE SOME FUN? E-I-E-I-O!

Fuck.

I unearth the bastard and take it downstairs as it screams about where the damn duck-ducks are and kick it into the livingroom.

I trod back to bed. At 4am I swear I can still hear the blasted thing singly faintly into the night.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling so hot today. I really want a nap.

Sp there *was* a reason why that cute, nearly-new toy was so cheap...

{{YAWN}}

i found out today that a friend -- the man who married us -- is gone. tom ringrose died sunday of an asthma attack.

i'm still in shock. i dreamt of him 2 weeks ago and in my dream he looked so much younger than i'd ever known him. i felt so real. i sent him an e-mail the next morning to tell him that i was thinking of him and missed seeing him. i'm glad i took the time to do that one simple thing.

tom was such an extraordinary individual and he touched so many lives. that sounds trite, but it's true. he moved i so many circles in this town. he hobnobbed with the richy-richs of the town and was just as comfortable to befriend the baristas at his favorite coffee joints. he was down-to-earth and yet he was way out there: he was a psychic, channelling, UFO-seeing Anglican priest. as i recall, he managed the cardiac care unit at UVA. mostly, though, he was an incredibly spiritual Good Guy. You could feel the calm and peace radiate off of him.

He's gone and it's fucking wrong.

i was recently reading Patricia Cornwell's "Trace" and here was a paragraph that accurately summarized my feelings of late:

This is one of those moments of awareness that passes over Eise's thoughts like the shadow of the Dark Bird. That's what he cals it. If he looks up, nothing is there, just an awareness. He won't go any further with the truths of this sort because...it's best not to look too hard for the Dark Bird. The bird's shadow is awful enough.

i have had that feeling the shadow of the dark bird for many weeks. a sense of.... 'impending doom' is so fucking melodramatic. i suppose a sense of Something Awful that could happen or was narrowly missed and that feeling is like a shadow briefly passing over and then it's gone.

maybe this is a sign that i need to go back onto the meds again. (however, i don't feel any of the other usual signs of depression or that i'm hitting a trough.) that jason and i had a discussion last week about 'Accidents Happen' probably fueled/validated my feelings even more (nevertheless, i'm glad we had that discussion).

so that's where i am. i've had lots of things to say, so much on my mind. but what i cannot rid my mind of is the shadow.